She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
