Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
