so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
