Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
