When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
