Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
