if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I checked into jail on foursquare
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
