R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
