i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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