my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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