were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
