i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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