On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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