She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
