You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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