I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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