oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize