so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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