Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
