That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
