i need an iv and a liver transplant
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
