last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
