Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
