I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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