either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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