If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
