do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Randomize
