Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
