You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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