bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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