you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
