I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
