My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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