i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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