I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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