I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I want her autograph on my taint
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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