Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I stole a fireplace last night.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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