i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
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