I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
