Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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