he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
