I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
