When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
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