Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
