Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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