How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
