The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
