when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
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