My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
