Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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