Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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