They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
