life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
