It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Randomize
