you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
