On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
