I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
