Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
