Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
