im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
