I'm jealous of your bromance
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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