I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
